In Memory of October 15

October 15 in 2002 was a Tuesday.  I will never forget that because October 14 was a Monday - Columbus Day, in fact.  It was a holiday!  I was not feeling well, hadn't been feeling well for about two weeks.  My husband was home from work that day, and he said he thought I might be PREGNANT. 

Well, I was pretty sure I couldn't be pregnant.  You see, our first 2 children - then 4 and almost-2 years old - were both products of infertility treatments and surgery and careful planning and doctor's monitoring and waiting and praying and wishing ... We were about ready to try all that one more time, talking about, considering it, but not quite ready to start the process again.  So, there had been no infertility treatment and no careful planning and no doctor's visits ... and so, I was sure I wasn't pregnant. 

But just to prove my husband wrong, I went out to buy a pregnancy test.  I still remember that I took that test in the tiny bathroom downstairs in our duplex military housing ... and 3 or 4 minutes later, I was staring at a POSITIVE pregnancy test. 

On Tuesday, October 15, I was not able to get in to see a doctor right away - the appointment was made for Friday - but I was able to get my blood drawn.  I think I got the call that very afternoon - and it was confirmed that I was actually already about 8 weeks pregnant.  Joy - shock - amazement - rejoicing.  We thought we had finally gotten our miracle baby - the one that was meant to be - the one we didn't push God to give us by pursuing our own means of medical treatment ... HOWEVER, something told us to be cautious.

In fact, I was spotting.  On Wednesday, October 16, we went to church that evening.  It was difficult, but we did not tell ANYONE (except a few very, very close friends)about our little secret.  In fact, we didn't even tell our parents - we were waiting for Friday's doctor appointment to confirm our due date, which we guessed was about May 25, 2003. 

I won't go into the details of Thursday, October 17, even though sometimes I can remember them as vividly as if the events of that day had just happened.  Suffice it to say, I miscarried our baby that night in the emergency room of the military hospital. 

For the next 6 years, I grieved every September and October, reliving the days of 2002.  Except for Dan and very close, trusted friends, I told no one.  I bought myself flowers on the 17th of October every year.  Even in 2009, already 7 months pregnant with Miriam, it was a bittersweet time for me.  I was so thankful for the new gift of life - but one can't replace a baby like you can a burned-out light bulb or a broken toy.

I haven't much liked the season of Fall the last few years - in part because I used to work and going to work when it was cold and gray was so depressing to me, anticipating the even colder and grayer days of winter soon approaching.  And I was only going to work because I didn't have a baby at home to take care of any more. 
But sometimes I think that in the back of my mind, I still grieved that fateful September and October of 2002.  Even though I knew God was good - even though I could see His Hand in the loss of our child - and even though I thought I trusted Him, I still hurt.  A lot.  I think (no, I know) I was angry about it all even though outwardly, I said it was okay that we lost our baby.  God knows best and all that ...

Fast forward to today:  God has healed my heart so much - and not just with Miriam's arrival but even in a season before that when God (and Dan's unconditional love) finally broke through some of my bitterness about the miscarriage (and other issues as well).  This year, I still remember - but not with anger.  I can't really say it is joy, but I think it is more like a calm peace that washes over me.  I can trace God's steps now - I can see what I didn't see before.  And even though I always should have, I can trust Him again.

In 1988, President Reagan declared October 15 to be "National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day".  Statistics tell us that 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in loss ... and I know so many friends who have been touched by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death (SIDS, etc).  If you are among them, please know you are in my thoughts today.