On Mother's Day

I've enjoyed my weekend:  my family took me to lunch on Saturday (and Miriam slept through it so I could eat with TWO HANDS), I got coffee in bed and sweet cards - and yet, in the back of my mind, I was remembering those years before I was a mom - especially the 2 Mother's Days before we had Andrew, while we were in the throes of infertility treatments intermittent with long periods of waiting, waiting, waiting for the surgery and medication to take effect.  I wish I could say I was the epitome of faith and patience ... I wasn't.  Thankfully, my husband was.  He has always said if we could have never had children, he would have been okay - not that he didn't want children, but he could accept that as God's will.  I think he had the faith for both of us!

HOWEVER, praise the Lord, He blessed me with Andrew after 2 1/2 years of infertility treatments.  I had the experience of an almost textbook natural delivery - even though all in total, I was in labor 21 hours.  But even labor was something I had so longed to experience that I endured each contraction with thankfulness - even though I can't say it was by any means pleasant or easy!! 

Thanks to a good reproductive endocrinologist and God's grace, we had Anna 2 years and almost 2 months after we had our little Andrew.  Someone said we had a "millionaire's family" - one boy, one girl.  And I definitely felt like I had won the jackpot even when Anna's birth turned into a c-section after it was discovered she was breech after my water broke.  My recovery was somewhat uncomfortable, but the joy of our little girl got me through.

I will never forget the baby we lost on October 17, 2002.  That day is etched into my memory too - and if it weren't so tedious to explain every time, I think I'd tell people that I have 4 children now instead of just the 3 they can see ... but heaven will introduce them all to our other son or daughter who lives there. 

We (I) really thought that our loss would be my last experience with pregnancy.  I sold my baby stuff, got a full-time job, and tried really hard to be thankful that I was the mother of 2 wonderful, healthy kids.  And I was so, so incredibly thankful ... and yet, a tiny part of my heart always wished that I had the 3 or 4 children that I envisioned being my "ideal" family.  I don't know why I thought that - it's not like I ever thought I was such a great parent that I should have lots of kids. It was more that I enjoyed parenting so much - and I guess you might say that I wanted more babies for purely selfish reasons.  I wanted that chance to not only influence a life - but also longed for the love a child gives back to you.  I wanted to have that feeling that a baby gives you when they snuggle into your neck when you hold them when they are sleepy; I wanted to see that milky smile as they look up at you when you feed them; I wanted to hear that sweet voice saying her prayers or saying, "I wuv you" in their precious baby talk.  I wanted to be an observer of the life that the baby would lead and the person they develop into - hoping, praying it would be a life led with a heart that sincerely seeks and serves God. 

I am still amazed at the graciousness of God to give me one more chance to have a baby ... to re-live all the joys of baby-ness ... to have the privilege and responsibility of raising one more child.  Our little Miriam is just an indulgent gift from God - He didn't have to give her to us - we didn't need to have her - we had already been blessed more than we ever expected - it was just pure grace. 

I am so thankful for my 3 gifts!

My heart today is also with my friends who long to be mothers and are not yet - and with my friends who have lost babies/children or their own mothers. 

I don't understand God's ways sometimes - but I trust Him a little more each day, I think, to work His will in His perfect way.