The Things that Break Your Heart

Please don't read this post I am sharing (below) unless you have a big box of Kleenex near by or a roll of paper towels or your baby's burp cloth - whatever the case may be (that's my lame attempt at humor to stop myself from crying again as I write this).

I read a blog of an author from whom I've now read 3 books. She's funny & real & practical. Today she posted about a 6 year old girl in her daughter's school who has a very aggressive brain tumor - which may have just started growing just a few weeks ago & may kill her within the next 6 weeks. I can't imagine. It's a mother's worst nightmare - a father's worst nightmare - my worst nightmare - anyone's worst nightmare.

If you can stand it, read Marla's post about this little girl named - of all things - Faith HERE

One of my fears that I haven't quite been able to give up to God - though I'm working on it - is CANCER, leukemia, and any of those horrid diseases that might take a child's life or make them desperately ill. I think just the very thought of a baby or a child dying before their parents is so hard for me to fathom. I've struggled with this fear since Andrew was born. I can't watch St. Jude's Children's hospital commercials on TV; I can't step into a NICU without breaking into almost fever-like conditions (that actually happened to me once visiting a friend); I can't think about it too long or I start questioning God about why He lets that happen.

I have found the answers as time goes by - and I don't "blame" God when a child dies or suffers. I know He is sad too because of the sin that has brought disease into the world in the first place -sin and disease that affects innocent little ones. But my journey to get to this point of understanding has been somewhat long:

Many of you know we struggled with infertility and didn't have Andrew until we had been married almost 6 years. Soon after we had him - and I was living in a blissful euphoria - I went to a reproductive endocrinologist for more infertility treatment, and I was pregnant with Anna by the time Andrew was 18 months old. After she was born healthy, reality suddenly hit me. I was TOO blessed somehow. Someone (me) who wasn't even supposed to have one baby had TWO --- and there were couples out there who had none when they would have like to have just one. I had TWO healthy children when there were people out there whose babies were suffering, dying, facing chemotherapy, having tragic accidents that took their lives. I didn't deserve what I had.

I'd lie awake at night and make plans in my head about what I would do if one of my children was diagnosed with leukemia. I know that probably sounds bizarre - but that was just the mental state I was in during Anna's infant days. Perhaps I had some sort of post-partum depression, I don't know ... but that's just how I felt. I finally made an appointment to see a local Christian counselor who had gone to a Bible college I was familiar with - and after just one appointment, I was practically cured of this thinking. I never had to go back.

God doesn't want us to wallow in "what might be" or dwell on the bad things... and should they happen, then He promises grace to go through them. Not that it isn't sad or unfair or the most difficult thing that might happen to you ... but He is there. One thing I had to learn was God's character. The counselor directed me to the book KNOWING GOD by J.I. Packer. Our God doesn't just sit in the heavens looking for Christians to "zap" if their lives are going too well. I had grown up with more of a judgmental God in my mind - and didn't often dwell on how much He LOVED me (not that He doesn't judge sin - He must since He is holy) ... I didn't dwell on the grace, mercy, and loving-kindness - the long suffering of God. Those are His characteristics too - balancing the judgment of sin and His perfection and holiness.

Anyway, I guess it is the sin of this old world that has left us with disease and tragedy - that sadly affects us all - children and adults. I even had my own mini experience with God when I miscarried a baby in October of 2002. After I had Anna, we did want more children, if God willed. I had always said (and still agree!) that I'd rather never get pregnant again then to get pregnant and lose the baby. Well, I got pregnant - and I lost the baby at 8 weeks. HOWEVER, even though we grieved (off and on for 7 years for me!), God's grace and long-suffering with me was amazing - especially while everything was happening. I was surprisingly calm in that ER as I miscarried - even though I was totally alone (it was late at night & Dan had to stay home with Andrew and Anna). My GYN doctor happened to be on call that night & he almost cried too because he had prescribed some medication that might have caused the miscarriage (we later found out that was NOT the case) - but even as Dan and I sat before him the next day at my follow-up appointment, I didn't feel like blaming the doctor. I didn't blame God (now I did later but that's a whole 'nother story), and I was able to testify of God's goodness even in this sad event as we told a few close friends, our pastor, and family about what happened.

I know my experience is minor compared to a parent whose child is tragically ill or dies, and they have to deal with it for days, weeks, months, maybe even years. We have friends who have a child with CP (cerebral palsy) - we've known them since he was 4 years old - and now he is 18 ... he hasn't progressed at all since we've known them - just his body has grown but not his mind. Not really. But they are the most joyful parents - though they were scared to try to have a second, healthy child - they have put all their time and energy into making their son the most comfortable, most loved child ever. They see it as a privilege to care for him - to change his diapers at age 18, to bathe him, to make sure he has the equipment (lifts, wheelchairs, etc) that will make him comfortable. They send him to "school" and cheer for him as if they would if he were healthy. I know they are sad that he'll never play catch or write or even speak as a normal child ... but they love him unconditionally.

My fear has always been if that happened to me, could I have that kind of attitude. And sure, these parents have their "bad" days and their "sad" days ... but that's not what they dwell on. And they aren't even Christians. I think knowing you have God's strength would make it even more bearable.

Anyway, I think this was my own private little therapy session to remind me that GOD IS GOOD ... even when things are BAD. We need not fear the future - and we can be thankful for His blessings (even though they truly are undeserved) because He loves us so much. The bad things, the consequences of our bad choices, the illness, the struggles - they all seem to be rooted in sin (either ours or someone else's) ... He is not the source, but He is there for us when we go through horrible times - although it is up to us to acknowledge that. Today I'm going to dwell on grace, mercy, and God's longsuffering - and ask Him to reassure me that He is truly in control.