Control

"When you start a family, essentially you are giving God permission to reign over the part of your life that is the hardest to relinquish control of. When we do, we find that He celebrates and mourns with us in ways we never experienced before."

This quote is from Angie Smith, a blogger I follow, from an interview she had with a couple from Focus on the Family about Starting a Family.

When you are a control person like I am, realizing there are things you can not control is quite humbling - and frustrating - and downright irritating! When I started down our infertility journey over 14 years ago, I was faced with the fact that I do not - and CAN NOT - control conception. No one does. There are couples who are healthy enough to be able to say, "I think it is time to start a family" and then it happens - perfectly planned (or so they think!). However, ultimately, it is God who has the final say; fortunate for some, He works with their plans and timing. For those like me and my husband, He works in His own timing. And for yet others, He throws in a surprise when they are not expecting it - an unplanned pregnancy - but planned in His perfect will.

I've been reading the Old Testament in an attempt to read through the Bible (in a year or so), and over and over I have read that "God opened her womb and she conceived" as well as warnings that if a nation, for example, didn't seek God that He would "close their wombs" as a sign of His punishment and disapproval. I realize we now live in an Age of Grace, for which I am thankful. I don't think that having children or barrenness is as tightly bound to God's favor or punishment any more (which to me somewhat explains why teenagers, unwed mothers, drug addicts, and immoral people can have babies). I think it is like any non-doctrinal issue a New Testament believer has to face - seeking God's will and the Holy Spirit's guidance on what way is right for your family. We have to use Bible principles in our decisions about thing like - how many children to have, adoption, foster parenting, infertility treatments, etc.

This post isn't supposed to just be about having babies, my other thought is about letting God have control of life in general, of giving Him our children after they are born. We can teach, train, pray for, and guide our children, but what they end up doing is ultimately not in our control. The outside influences that may come into their lives are in God's control. The painful situations they will face and the hurts we would like to protect them from are His plan for them, not always ours.

I have often wished I was blessed with a personality conducive to having "child-like faith." It is an almost naive belief that God will take care of everything and because He will, we don't have to worry. I mean naive in a way like little children are trustful that their parents will take care of everything; they don't wonder if their parents pay the mortgage or earn enough to buy food. It is just an innocent belief that it will all just happen. It is a simple trust.

God wants us all to have that child-like faith, simple trust, and innocent expectation that He will provide and take care of us (Luke 11:11-13 and 18:16-17). He has promised to after all (Philippians 4:19)! Yet we have our plans that we want to happen, no matter what. (I'm speaking in a collective "we" that includes me first of all) We scheme and plot and twist and push our agendas without seeking God's will - or if we do acknowledge God, we just want His "stamp of approval" on our blueprints for ourselves or our family. It is easy to tell God, "Your will be done;" it is much harder to actually accept it, especially if His plan is different than ours.

God's ways were not my ways many times. His ways were better. As a control freak, it is hard to let go of my own will - and like I've said so often, I'm learning that God gently pries my fingers off my own life, one issue at a time. He knows I want to be His - He knows I want to do His will - and He also knows I have my own ideas about it all!

I have many of the things that I wanted and hoped for - a good husband, 2 healthy children, a home - but it is ironic that I did not get any of those things in the way I imagined I would! Expectations are a cruel thing if you set your heart too much upon them. Dreams and hopes are wonderful, as long as you remember that God has the ultimate best in mind for you, more than you could ever hope for yourself (Ephesians 3:20). When life is "hard," it isn't easy to believe that. When things don't turn out like you want, it is hard to imagine God knows what is best. But He does. He is continually working - through every situation! If you are a Christian, He is completing His will in you (Philippians 1:6). We need to let go of control - of ourselves, our plans, our children. We can control the outcome only by a simple choice - trust Him or trust ourselves. Based on my experience, I'd choose HIM!