Not Worthy

When I was 8 years old, I was invited to attend Vacation Bible School with a friend who rode the bus to a small Baptist church in our area. On the second day of attending, I heard that we are all sinners in need of a Savior. I had absolutely no problems acknowledging that! I *knew* I wasn't good by any means...and I knew that I needed help! That day I went home, knelt by my bed, and asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to save me.
Since that day, I have always had a sense of not being "worthy". When my prayers aren't answered, I just figure that it is because I don't deserve what I'm asking for anyway. When my prayers ARE answered, I feel guilty because I am not worthy of God's favor.
I have heard in sermons that even if God took everything away from us and just left us with Jesus as our Savior and heaven as our home, it was enough. And it is.
Modern Christians, or should I say modern AMERICAN Christians, have no concept of how good we have it! We have money (even those of us who have LESS money have more than - I think I've heard statistics - 2/3 of the world's general population!!), we have comfort, we have choices, we have no persecution...and I believe we have no clue: no clue of what it means to TRULY reliant on God for life, for daily bread, for our very existence. Oh, I've had my moments in the last 4 years where I've not known how I was going to pay a bill --- but there are always credit cards or some way. I mean, I've never been in danger of losing my home, of not having electricity or running water, of being left hungry - my biggest crisis is that I don't have much EXTRA money for things I'd like to have or for conveniences (see my recent posts about not having a dishwasher right now!!).

Anyway....my point today is not to go on and on about how spoiled we are (or I am, I guess I should speak only for myself here - maybe I'm the only one who hasn't realized this point yet??!), but to discuss my newest revelation from God!
Like I said, I've always kind of had this sense of not being worthy - everything I have, I just KNOW I don't deserve. When I think back on Dan's kindness to me over the last 16 years thru some ugly times (on my part), thru times of trials, thru times of huge life changes, I wonder why I got such a wonderful husband when several of my friends right now (good people!) have recently had some pretty bad marriage problems - 2 friends of mine have recently found out their husbands had affairs, one friend has husband with a gambling problem - and then there are my single friends who long to be married and yet, God has not yet given them a soul mate here on earth. I have friends who have longed for children, who have not had a baby or who have lost babies. WHY did God give me 2 healthy babies, even though we did experience one loss, when I faced the same infertility issues they did. I have friends who have gone thru SERIOUS, life-altering illness - and I'm all distressed over my minor anemia issues and migraines, which are certainly uncomfortable - but they won't KILL ME like a cancer could or change my lifestyle like diabetes might.
I guess I think too much about the "why" and not enough about the fact that God knows. He just knows....and He doesn't have to explain it all to me. I guess I have this bizarre sense of "fair and not fair" that I often see in kids (you know the whining of , "It's just not fair".....). I even have gone as far as to tell my own kids - in an effort to prepare them for life - that life is NOT always fair and to learn to reconcile that in themselves NOW so they aren't like me as an adult, being disappointed about life's unfairness. I call it being a "realist" but sometimes I guess I am a pessimist.

So, back to my point (again): are we worthy of anything?? No. Does God bless us anyway? Yes. Does He sometimes say "No" to me when He says "Yes" to someone else about even something that might be a "good" thing (or vice versa)? That's true too. Is there a rhyme and reason to the fairness/unfairness of life? Yes, but sometimes only to God.

I am attempting to read thru the Bible this year (or however long it takes me, I'm not pinning myself down to save myself from further disappointment if I don't meet my deadline). I have a blog I'm accountable to that is led by a pastor of a church in Arkansas. Anyway - finally - here's what I'm getting to:
Right now we are in Genesis, of course. I'm actually up to chapter 32 right now (I'm ahead!) because I want to stay ahead for those times when I start to fall behind.... ;)
SO, I'm reading about Jacob, Rachel, and Esau......Jacob was a great deceiver; his name even MEANS "supplanter"! And he IS a deceiver - raised by a deceiver mom, Rebekah, who tricked her own husband into blessing her favored son Jacob over her elder son, Esau. And Jacob deceived his brother, his father, and others too, plus he was a SNEAK!! AND his wife Rachel was no exception!! She stole from her father and did all kinds of tricky things too, to include taunting her "unloved" sister Leah. A FAMILY OF DECEIVERS! Are they "worthy" of God's blessing?? No. Did God bless them? Immensely!! I mean, I kind of feel sorry for Esau (and yeah, he made his own bed, so to speak, in giving up his birthright for FOOD, but that's just being human IMO - but we don't know the rest of the story either, I'm sure!).
YET: God gave Jacob His blessing and great privilege over his older brother Esau who rightfully "deserved" the blessings and riches. God gave Rachel 2 children, even though she was already in a privileged position of being loved by Jacob, as opposed to her "unloved" sister Leah who was able to have 4 sons - and then after begging God for more to get Jacob to continue to "like" her, God gave her 2 more sons by him.
If these people were a modern family, I think we'd call them "dysfunctional"!! I mean, Jacob had 4 wives (he just had them all at the same time as opposed to those who divorce & re-marry). This family isn't much different from the families who frustrate me because they don't do the "right thing" - and really, not much different in attitude & actions from ME.
AND YET, God blessed them - He "remembered" them (as it is said of Rachel when she finally conceived). Not like God had "forgotten" her - but it is more like He chose to bless her at His appointed time.
And I am sure God "remembers" me too, dysfunctional and unworthy as I feel some days. It isn't because I am worthy of anything, it is only because He is good. It is only because He knows best. It is only because He has a plan and a time table for each of our lives. That time & that plan is DIFFERENT - and yet not unfair - for each of us, even as Christians. I must learn to just keep serving, keep trusting, keep away from bitterness, keep away from jealousy. So, I continue to feel "not worthy" but I also want to continue to feel loved, blessed, and part of a plan that God has designed uniquely for me.